It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.


Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.


My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.


When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”



Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent


My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.


A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.


Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm


13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.