I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?