@LizHackett

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

@mariana057

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

@MNateShyamalan

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

@Jest_Iris

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

@RickAaron

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

@BadMommy4U

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

@Cornjerker78

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

@Browtweaten

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what