When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.


The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO


if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out


Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?


do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”


Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.


*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”


Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.


*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*