@bmarked21

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@shadygrenade

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

@The_can_maker

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

@soanim8ed

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

@Kyle_Lippert

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

@JimGaffigan

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?