My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.


Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.


“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
*roundhouse kicks barista*


Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés


Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.


Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*


How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto


whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him


Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?