My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse