Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.