cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot