worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
this has to be peak English
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.