Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else