I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.