@shitheadsteve__

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

@ThisOneSayz

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

@UnFitz

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

@EyalTweet

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

@LibertyLayne01

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants