him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes


Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy


Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.


Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.


Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around


None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.


“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive