@visionbored2

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

@CCRuns

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

@sofarrsogud

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

@AshleyGWinter

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

@Trisarahjtops

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

@sweetmomissa

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

@

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive