@JimmerThatisAll

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

@treydayway

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

@mommajessiec

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

@HomeWithPeanut

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

@whinecheezits

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

@RickAaron

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

@Marlebean

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

@a_simpl_man

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

@Marlebean

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!