@craiguito

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

@RoxyTall

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

@dadpickupline

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

@clichedout

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

@ozzyunc

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

@UnFitz

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast