I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing