My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.