Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear