flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house