So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.


Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.


Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.


“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.


People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.


My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.


Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?