@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@bmarked21

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

@sloganeerist

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

@kelkulus

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

@Shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?