*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?