me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell