I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me