my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.


Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.


PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.


Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7


i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right


Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart


I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids


[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer


Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now