Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Sex so good you see dead people.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY