@LeaMehanna I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
@LeaMehanna 
@Brianhopecomedy My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
@PaulyPeligroso Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
@rikpayne I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
@govindajeggy The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
@Dana_Bruno IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
@SmartAzzPrick I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
@Bunnydurden Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
@bug_hugs MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
@Pundamentalism “Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”