Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.