Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.