How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful