A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.