People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.