I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.


I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.


Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?


I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73



My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.


I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue


My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.


*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?


5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese


I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.