I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*