If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser