
why does this building look like a guilty dog

How to draw a duck

It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
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Unfollow
Me?

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.