It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.


Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.


I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.


I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like


Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.


me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god


(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)