why does this building look like a guilty dog
How to draw a duck
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.