@adamgreattweet why does this building look like a guilty dog
@shouldhaveaduck How to draw a duck
@Daveastated It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
@RickAaron Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
@OMGSoOverIt I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
@oneawkwardmom I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
@topaz_kell Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
@DanMentos me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
@avainwordland Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.