@ADHDeanASL Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
@sparklecunt_ I have a type: disappointing
@Pork_Chop_Hair I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
@JillianKarger MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
@smiles_and_nods Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
@Dad_At_Law A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
@UncleDuke1969 The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
@TheHyyyype me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
@EmSlyce For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
@Dad_At_Law Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.