Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!
-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.