Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…