@kelkulus

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

@curlycomedy

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@Hello___Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@HeatherLuvsYou

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

@Psycholane

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.