I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.