My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves