I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY