@a_simpl_man

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

@AllanForsyth

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

@feverschlong

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

@BerrymoreBlue

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

@skittle624

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

@SassyCanadian0

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

@coffeeandvinyl1

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

@rusty_coach

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

@jimrosecircus1

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.