I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married


After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.


Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.


Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…


I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.


My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.


Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right


Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”


Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.