What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause