@AngryBlackLady

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

@harriweinreb

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

@awlivv

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

@markedly

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

@scootertheworst

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

@IamJackBoot

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

@PrincesaBallena

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me