Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
What the hell happened here.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
the three branches of government
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.