Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Found the job I’m suited for
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
yes… yes…
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm