[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.