Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you鈥檙e done.
I鈥檓 barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won鈥檛 put him in the trash can
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I hope my company doesn’t馃槀馃槀
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 馃敟
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it鈥檚 a cat.
KID: That鈥檚 the cat鈥檚 problem.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows