*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.


Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?


I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.


The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”


Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.


“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate


Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!


“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”