“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”