*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?