*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Goodnight 🐶
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
LMAO.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”