Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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absolute chaos
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to