pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
S/o to @funTweeters .
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?