Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.



Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around


I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.


I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.


I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.


My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.


My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.