Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing