PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Secret Panel HERE 🤘