‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.